In the past, I always thought I have no time left to waste so I have to do the things I always plan to do. I always have plans, like what should I do after I graduate and so on. In all those plans having a family of my own never crossed my mind. However, due to some turn out of events I now have two kids and a husband. I don't really blame it on anyone but myself, since I was overwhelmed with something really new to me that time and never thought that I'll be drowned in it and never been able to pull myself back up again. Eventhough I sound depressed over this reality, I am happy. I may not have the kind of freedom I planned before but where I am now is not at all bad and could be far better than where I was before. I am happy because the feeling of emptiness has been filled inside me without me doing anything since someone filled it up for me. No matter how many trials may befall on us, we undergone each and everything and be even thankful since those just made us tougher and stronger.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Repetere
The black veil covers the horizon quietly unfolding the next sunrise. I am once again to experience the same ride for five days. Waking up with empty thoughts as my feet drags me to where I'll be for more than half the day. It's the same every single day.
Someone will ask what can I do to enjoy the time as it passes by. I think I did enough to let time pass unnoticed. But I do not have much time anymore...
I kept waiting
And waiting
Until such time I can start making my dreams materialize
Until then
Will keep waiting
Keep on repeating every single day
Wasting time as it draws to an end for me.
Someone will ask what can I do to enjoy the time as it passes by. I think I did enough to let time pass unnoticed. But I do not have much time anymore...
I kept waiting
And waiting
Until such time I can start making my dreams materialize
Until then
Will keep waiting
Keep on repeating every single day
Wasting time as it draws to an end for me.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Aura
I woke up early this morning and have realized how did I turn out to admire a certain person. Recalling how he walks, how he preaches and how he says what is in his mind simply amazes me and I thought how does he do it? Is it something I can learn? Do I need to read plenty of books to level myself to his way of speaking? Do I need to reimage my style to get the same impact he has to his people? Do I have to always think differently to have the same thinking like him?
Then a sudden blow came. Am I challenging myself to be at his level when it was a year ago that I've decided that I'll just be working and that's it, no extra show off, no extra efforts, nothing. An old picture of myself would give a hint that I was about to be someone who did all she wanted in life but due to some wrong decisions the outcome is I am now limited to what I aspire to be. The question is do we really have to limit ourselves when we are surrounded by responsibilities? Do we always think of others instead of our needs? Why didn't I try harder?
As I write this I am getting upset over the fact that my weakness is choosing the wrong decisions. It can start from what should I wear today? I'll always wear something average instead of something my position will be justified. Disappointed why I realized history repeats itself, I've been through this before and it seems like I won't change or maybe I will.
I'm once again challenging myself to reawaken, stop being the average, be someone you won't regret and start to inspire others like what this person did to me.
Then a sudden blow came. Am I challenging myself to be at his level when it was a year ago that I've decided that I'll just be working and that's it, no extra show off, no extra efforts, nothing. An old picture of myself would give a hint that I was about to be someone who did all she wanted in life but due to some wrong decisions the outcome is I am now limited to what I aspire to be. The question is do we really have to limit ourselves when we are surrounded by responsibilities? Do we always think of others instead of our needs? Why didn't I try harder?
As I write this I am getting upset over the fact that my weakness is choosing the wrong decisions. It can start from what should I wear today? I'll always wear something average instead of something my position will be justified. Disappointed why I realized history repeats itself, I've been through this before and it seems like I won't change or maybe I will.
I'm once again challenging myself to reawaken, stop being the average, be someone you won't regret and start to inspire others like what this person did to me.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Halcyon
For several years I am still working but not with a job I dreamed to have. Looking back I was planning something blindfolded with no clear direction. It is a lesson learned now and all I can do is to share it with people who are in front of a turning point.
It's a fact that I still wish to make my father proud, I was successfull in getting his trust and confidence in me before but only to burn them with my own hands afterwards.
Maybe now it may be too late to make up for it. I am not getting any younger and my father's time here is getting shorter as well.
No matter how I try to release myself from my state now there's no way this world of reality will bend and turn things around changing to a parallel universe.
How many years do I have left?
Do I still have a chance?
I wonder what happened to the girl who always looks up at the blue sky, full of hopes... full of wishes.
All I can see is a girl who do not even have time to appreciate her surroundings, not even glancing. Her head is full of worry, full of things she have to do and full of regrets.
Smiling to cover up her true state, she's surprisingly good at it that nobody ever notices not even once.
It's a fact that I still wish to make my father proud, I was successfull in getting his trust and confidence in me before but only to burn them with my own hands afterwards.
Maybe now it may be too late to make up for it. I am not getting any younger and my father's time here is getting shorter as well.
No matter how I try to release myself from my state now there's no way this world of reality will bend and turn things around changing to a parallel universe.
How many years do I have left?
Do I still have a chance?
I wonder what happened to the girl who always looks up at the blue sky, full of hopes... full of wishes.
All I can see is a girl who do not even have time to appreciate her surroundings, not even glancing. Her head is full of worry, full of things she have to do and full of regrets.
Smiling to cover up her true state, she's surprisingly good at it that nobody ever notices not even once.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Friday, July 2, 2010
Can't get enough of Lovely Complex
For those who are not into anime you have to check this one out and I believe that you will have a change of heart and will definitely like this one. Lovely Complex is a manga series by Aya Nakahara and was animated into 24 episodes. The title says what the leading characters main issue is about.
"The girl, Risa Koizumi, is 172 centimetres (5 ft 8 in) tall—much taller than the average Japanese girl. The boy, Atsushi Ōtani, is 156 cm (5 ft 1 in)—way below the height of the average Japanese boy. Because of this, they are called the "All Hanshin Kyojin" after a popular comedy duo that has a similar height difference." (LoveCom-Wikipedia)
What made me really like this anime is that it is not corny, I can relate to the love story, their comedy made me laugh and the drama made me cry. Unlike other animes which has drama, their drama is not something too pushy just to make a drama out of it. I love anime but not every single anime, I pick which one is the best for me. Honestly, I don't like drama animes or those which are too dramatic just for the heck of making the audience cry, I'd rather prefer animes which are really funny and has the right amount of drama when the right situation arises that's why this anime bewitched me. I already lost count as to how many times I watched this anime over and over again just to cheer me up. Whenever I feel down, I just open up my PC and play my Lovely Complex DVD then I feel alright again.
Even so, just like the other critics, I too have something to say about it. I think it would be better if Risa tried to forget her love for Otani after the first rejection, I mean she was rejected twice, how awful is that? The first rejection really made me cry but I also cried on the second time. But Otani rejecting Risa is not surprising anymore because in my own opinion, I too think that she will be rejected since Otani doesn't show any interest in her. But they can still be friends with their comedic acts together but I'd like to see a guy who would seriously fall in love with Risa and go after her in front of Otani. Yeah, there's Haruka, a handsome guy who is a childhood friend of Risa but I didn't like it when he confesses to Risa but went out with several girls saying that he is trying to practice to prepare himself when Risa becomes his girlfriend in the future. I mean, he should've gone after her right away instead, but of course the fact that he only see Risa as his "hero" merely means that he looks up to Risa as someone great and not as a girl. And also there's Maity Sensei, Risa's crush after her failure to capture Otani's heart despite doing the best she can. But he's not really in love with Risa, he was just helping her as a sensei (teacher). Anyways, if there's indeed such a character who would seriously fall in love with Risa, I think the love story would be more exciting. I mean, Risa is always with Otani or with their group of friends like Nobu-chan, Chiharu-chan and their boyfriends. But if that guy will pursue Risa, I'd like to think that he will be very persistent and serious, also very goodlooking and taller than Risa, then I think she will try to go out with him even just to try to heal her broken heart. With this Risa will no longer hang out with Otani or her friends as much as before and Otani will realize the loneliness of her absence. I'd like to see how Otani regrets his decision of rejecting Risa. That was really mean, I know he doesn't stand for half heartedness but still he could've tried to atleast go out with her since they are so close already. But of course, the leading couple should be together, so Risa will eventually break up with the guy and return to her friends and back to being with Otani. This time she will no longer try to get Otani's love again but instead Otani will see her as a girl after seeing her act like a girlfriend when she was still going out with that guy. Anyways, this is just my "what if's" and nothing more. I still like Lovely Complex the way the author did it and I enjoyed it a lot. Peace! ^_^
"The girl, Risa Koizumi, is 172 centimetres (5 ft 8 in) tall—much taller than the average Japanese girl. The boy, Atsushi Ōtani, is 156 cm (5 ft 1 in)—way below the height of the average Japanese boy. Because of this, they are called the "All Hanshin Kyojin" after a popular comedy duo that has a similar height difference." (LoveCom-Wikipedia)
What made me really like this anime is that it is not corny, I can relate to the love story, their comedy made me laugh and the drama made me cry. Unlike other animes which has drama, their drama is not something too pushy just to make a drama out of it. I love anime but not every single anime, I pick which one is the best for me. Honestly, I don't like drama animes or those which are too dramatic just for the heck of making the audience cry, I'd rather prefer animes which are really funny and has the right amount of drama when the right situation arises that's why this anime bewitched me. I already lost count as to how many times I watched this anime over and over again just to cheer me up. Whenever I feel down, I just open up my PC and play my Lovely Complex DVD then I feel alright again.
Even so, just like the other critics, I too have something to say about it. I think it would be better if Risa tried to forget her love for Otani after the first rejection, I mean she was rejected twice, how awful is that? The first rejection really made me cry but I also cried on the second time. But Otani rejecting Risa is not surprising anymore because in my own opinion, I too think that she will be rejected since Otani doesn't show any interest in her. But they can still be friends with their comedic acts together but I'd like to see a guy who would seriously fall in love with Risa and go after her in front of Otani. Yeah, there's Haruka, a handsome guy who is a childhood friend of Risa but I didn't like it when he confesses to Risa but went out with several girls saying that he is trying to practice to prepare himself when Risa becomes his girlfriend in the future. I mean, he should've gone after her right away instead, but of course the fact that he only see Risa as his "hero" merely means that he looks up to Risa as someone great and not as a girl. And also there's Maity Sensei, Risa's crush after her failure to capture Otani's heart despite doing the best she can. But he's not really in love with Risa, he was just helping her as a sensei (teacher). Anyways, if there's indeed such a character who would seriously fall in love with Risa, I think the love story would be more exciting. I mean, Risa is always with Otani or with their group of friends like Nobu-chan, Chiharu-chan and their boyfriends. But if that guy will pursue Risa, I'd like to think that he will be very persistent and serious, also very goodlooking and taller than Risa, then I think she will try to go out with him even just to try to heal her broken heart. With this Risa will no longer hang out with Otani or her friends as much as before and Otani will realize the loneliness of her absence. I'd like to see how Otani regrets his decision of rejecting Risa. That was really mean, I know he doesn't stand for half heartedness but still he could've tried to atleast go out with her since they are so close already. But of course, the leading couple should be together, so Risa will eventually break up with the guy and return to her friends and back to being with Otani. This time she will no longer try to get Otani's love again but instead Otani will see her as a girl after seeing her act like a girlfriend when she was still going out with that guy. Anyways, this is just my "what if's" and nothing more. I still like Lovely Complex the way the author did it and I enjoyed it a lot. Peace! ^_^
No one knows what will happen in the future...
Last Wednesday, 30th of June, we visited one of my aunts. We were having trouble with sprits which dwells at my mother’s place so we asked our aunt if she knows someone who can expel those entities. Fortunately she knows a neighbour who can do that. The lady came and after she advised us what to buy for the ritual to be done on Friday, I unexpectedly had my palm read, meaning I was given a palm reading. My mother is busy chatting with her brother and my aunt while my father is busy looking after my kids while we three sisters gathered around the palm reader.
My sister went ahead of me first and I listened to her reading eagerly butting in some jokes once in a while. So when my turn came I felt tensed but excited. Of all the things she told me, something hit me badly and that is my husband might have an affair, it can be during now or his next ship. He’s now a seaman and he became that despite of not going to college but he’s undergone a lot of trainings which my family literally is the financer. In my previous blog, I think I have mentioned about our story. What makes me infuriated is if that is going to happen, I mean, how dare he would think of even doing something like that when I chose him over my family, my bright future, gave up my everything for him and even undergone all the hardships which I’ve never experienced living with my parents but with him. So the lady said I should take care of myself more, go on a diet and make myself beautiful. She said that there is a possibility that if I will not do that, my husband will find someone better than me, well in terms of looks that is. As painful as it gets, she said when that happens I will swallow my pride and still accept him in order to keep my family intact.
I was in shock and almost cried. I could feel my face is burning that I’m about to burst in tears. I realized at that time that no matter what I did to fight for our love against my parents back then, no matter how I tried to understand his shortcomings, no matter how I struggle to go to work on a graveyard shift, no matter how stressful my job was and no matter how I changed for him, there is still that fact that there are more girls out there who can still surpass me even if it’s only in terms of outer appearance. Then I thought, if in case he did that, even if he didn’t tell me I will know it, talk about a woman’s intuition. And when that happens, he will no longer have a home to return to, he will not even see his children his entire life and I will work hard to surpass whoever he replaced me with. And in terms of getting what he deserve, I will hold on to his seaman documents to make sure he never embark a ship again, why? Why not? My family financed all his trainings so I will not let them get a smooth life, let them sunk into poverty just like when we were just starting our lives together. Whoever that woman is she just hooked up with my husband because he’s a seaman, but she will never be with him if he has absolutely nothing. Compared to me, I was with him through the storms we’ve gone thru when he’s nothing but a jobless man but still I loved him with all my heart and worked my butt off for our family to stay alive. I also thought that starting from now I will save up as much as I can, no matter how little his salary for the meantime, I will try my best to save up money. The lady said that his money will be my weapon, of course I will not give it back to him, if he wants it then he has to compensate for the damages he’s done with my life, give me back my bright future, my car, my luxury, everything that I lost, and all the money I spent for him, well as if he can give me back all of those, of course not, so he can’t have his money. Even if he say that it’s his money, then I will demand my money then from him, the money I earned for the 6 years working in the call center industry, he can check all my payslips to sum up every centavo, but of course, even with all his saved money, my salary over the 6 years of work is way too big to compare to his.
After the visit, we got home around 7 pm and I still have a hung over with what the lady have told me. I cried, I cried a lot, it is dreadfully painful if he would have an affair behind my back. Just the thought of it my chest hurts and tears are falling uncontrollably. I was awake crying until 3 in the morning the next day. When I woke up, my eyes are bloated. But even the next day, whenever I recall it I still can’t help myself but to cry. I am the worst, when I try to recall back, I should’ve taken care of myself better. I am so hard working that I didn’t care how I look, and eventually I have forgotten about myself. I recall my husband asking me to wear proper clothes and fix myself a little whenever I prepare myself for work. I did try but I have gained weight already since I didn’t take notice of it until my clothes won’t fit anymore. So after so much thinking, I guess I could also blame myself if he will betray me.
But I thought fortune telling is just a guide, not necessarily the reality, whatever’s going to happen in the future is up to us and no one knows what is exactly is going to happen. For now, our relationship is still okay, I trust my husband and I could not imagine him cheating on me. So I have time to prepare myself for his return. Actually, I have already started to lose weight even before the palm reading happened. But thanks to that, I am more serious now and started doing everything I can to make myself prettier and I’m getting great results. I already told him over the phone before that I will go on a diet before he returns. He’s fine with it but he’s worried, he thought that I might not eat enough and get sick. Even so, when he returns I will make sure that I will surprise him. Still I pray to God to please not to let temptation win over him now or in the future and I will do the best I can to remain his only woman.
My sister went ahead of me first and I listened to her reading eagerly butting in some jokes once in a while. So when my turn came I felt tensed but excited. Of all the things she told me, something hit me badly and that is my husband might have an affair, it can be during now or his next ship. He’s now a seaman and he became that despite of not going to college but he’s undergone a lot of trainings which my family literally is the financer. In my previous blog, I think I have mentioned about our story. What makes me infuriated is if that is going to happen, I mean, how dare he would think of even doing something like that when I chose him over my family, my bright future, gave up my everything for him and even undergone all the hardships which I’ve never experienced living with my parents but with him. So the lady said I should take care of myself more, go on a diet and make myself beautiful. She said that there is a possibility that if I will not do that, my husband will find someone better than me, well in terms of looks that is. As painful as it gets, she said when that happens I will swallow my pride and still accept him in order to keep my family intact.
I was in shock and almost cried. I could feel my face is burning that I’m about to burst in tears. I realized at that time that no matter what I did to fight for our love against my parents back then, no matter how I tried to understand his shortcomings, no matter how I struggle to go to work on a graveyard shift, no matter how stressful my job was and no matter how I changed for him, there is still that fact that there are more girls out there who can still surpass me even if it’s only in terms of outer appearance. Then I thought, if in case he did that, even if he didn’t tell me I will know it, talk about a woman’s intuition. And when that happens, he will no longer have a home to return to, he will not even see his children his entire life and I will work hard to surpass whoever he replaced me with. And in terms of getting what he deserve, I will hold on to his seaman documents to make sure he never embark a ship again, why? Why not? My family financed all his trainings so I will not let them get a smooth life, let them sunk into poverty just like when we were just starting our lives together. Whoever that woman is she just hooked up with my husband because he’s a seaman, but she will never be with him if he has absolutely nothing. Compared to me, I was with him through the storms we’ve gone thru when he’s nothing but a jobless man but still I loved him with all my heart and worked my butt off for our family to stay alive. I also thought that starting from now I will save up as much as I can, no matter how little his salary for the meantime, I will try my best to save up money. The lady said that his money will be my weapon, of course I will not give it back to him, if he wants it then he has to compensate for the damages he’s done with my life, give me back my bright future, my car, my luxury, everything that I lost, and all the money I spent for him, well as if he can give me back all of those, of course not, so he can’t have his money. Even if he say that it’s his money, then I will demand my money then from him, the money I earned for the 6 years working in the call center industry, he can check all my payslips to sum up every centavo, but of course, even with all his saved money, my salary over the 6 years of work is way too big to compare to his.
After the visit, we got home around 7 pm and I still have a hung over with what the lady have told me. I cried, I cried a lot, it is dreadfully painful if he would have an affair behind my back. Just the thought of it my chest hurts and tears are falling uncontrollably. I was awake crying until 3 in the morning the next day. When I woke up, my eyes are bloated. But even the next day, whenever I recall it I still can’t help myself but to cry. I am the worst, when I try to recall back, I should’ve taken care of myself better. I am so hard working that I didn’t care how I look, and eventually I have forgotten about myself. I recall my husband asking me to wear proper clothes and fix myself a little whenever I prepare myself for work. I did try but I have gained weight already since I didn’t take notice of it until my clothes won’t fit anymore. So after so much thinking, I guess I could also blame myself if he will betray me.
But I thought fortune telling is just a guide, not necessarily the reality, whatever’s going to happen in the future is up to us and no one knows what is exactly is going to happen. For now, our relationship is still okay, I trust my husband and I could not imagine him cheating on me. So I have time to prepare myself for his return. Actually, I have already started to lose weight even before the palm reading happened. But thanks to that, I am more serious now and started doing everything I can to make myself prettier and I’m getting great results. I already told him over the phone before that I will go on a diet before he returns. He’s fine with it but he’s worried, he thought that I might not eat enough and get sick. Even so, when he returns I will make sure that I will surprise him. Still I pray to God to please not to let temptation win over him now or in the future and I will do the best I can to remain his only woman.
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